I wouldn't be honest if I didn't devulge how difficult this learning to walk on short legs has revealed itself to be. At this point in time I must admit I am feeling a little discouraged about the whole program.
It seems to me that maybe I put my expectations of my success either too high or as usual, not given myself enough time to achieve my goal. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record (remember those?), repeating the same mantra over and over, its not good enough, its not fast enough and I'm not making progress.
I realize that I have made some progress, that part in undeniable, however, I guess in my own mind I thought it would be easier.
Chris, my physical therapist, and I have decided to cut my therapy sessions from twice a week to once a week. After all I have been going to therapy twice a week for the past ten monthes.
We feel I have learned the basic maneuvers, how to walk, how to use canes, how to fall, how to get up after fall and now it is time to implement those learned traits by putting them into practice.
As you may recall, the goal is to wear the short legs as much as possible, going through the usual daily routines while wearing the shortened legs. "It is easier said than done" is an understatement.
At this point I can barely walk to the next room without feeling fatigued, much less continue the task I walked into the to room to do in the first place.
Rarely do I lose my enthusiasm when I set my mind to achieve a goal. I think my track record had shown I always perserve. I feel my expectations of achieving my goal are waning.
When I began writing this blog, I wanted it to be a collection of optimistic, realistic and truthful accounts of my experiences through my leg loss journey.
Thus far I feel my blog has been all of those things but it troubles me to have to admit this whole discouragement feeling. If you are reading my blog and have suffered the loss of a limb or possibly two or any monumental loss in your life, I wanted this blog to be a place to turn to for words of encouragement and hope.
Perhaps my sharing my current feelings of discouragement with you, will help you and help me at the same time, by realizing that we are all human beings, only capable of achieving so much in our lives given our situation.
I hope my candor about my feelings will acknowledge that even I, the eternal optimist, feels let down, beat down, and discouraged from time to time. These are natural feelings to be expected and to be dealt with.
Where do I go from here? Get back on the horse or in my case the short legs and try again.
I thought that maybe I shouldn't write about my feelings of disappointment and discouragement, shouldn't share this part of my life, because it borders on feelings of defeat. Obviously, I decided I would write about it.
Let me make sure I am being clear here, I am not giving up. It is not a part of my DNA to be a quitter, to give up, to lose my race. I guess it was time to share with my readers the feelings of frustration and discouragement that are an everyday part of my leg loss.
I do not live in this world wearing rose colored glasses nor do I live in a "Pollyanna" world as I have been told by others from time to time. It has taken me a year to realize the magnitude of the loss of my second leg and how much more difficult it is than the loss of the one leg.
Am I discouraged? yes, somewhat. Have I lost my zeal for life? absolutely not.
As a matter of fact just writing these words today has already begun to stir within myself the importance of walking the walk (excuse the pun), practicing what I myself have preached over the past year. It is about lifting yourself out of the fog of negativity and potentially destructive feelings of defeat, then recommitting yourself to your original objective.
Alas, no one said life would be easy and I for one can attest to that.
Fortunately as we all know nothing lasts forever. This loss of my legs appears to be something that will last forever but bear in mind it will only last the length of this lifetime, which as we know will not be forever.
When this lifetime has come to a close and I refect upon it, I want to know I did my best and did it with courage, conviction, and dignity. What more could anyone ask of me and I of myself?