Saturday, January 26, 2013

Number One Hundred

This is the the 100th blog post of my blogging history. One might think that I have some monumental announcement to make, but alas, not really.

Recently I have been having a difficult time coming up with material to write, this is not the usual with me but it could be for several reasons. Since I no longer participate in physical therapy I have less interaction with other people than I had before, hence less stories with which to amuse myself and my readers.

It  should also not be surprising that  I have a tendency to write things from an optimistic point of view and as of late that optimism has become somewhat elusive. I am not saying that I am wallowing in the pit of despair but I  guess you could say reality has set in and I am not sure I am going to be able to attain some of the goals I set forth two years ago. I guess a more appropriate approach is that things are more realistic than they were two years ago.

I am at a point in this whole leg loss scenario where I have a more true perspective of what I am actually physically capable of achieving. Coming to terms with the reality in one's life is sometimes disillusioning, seeing and living things as they unfold and making evaluations about what is achievable and not, can leave you disappointed.

This may not really be disappointment, but rather reality bringing you to place where you never thought you would be. I am not saying I am giving up on this walking thing but putting these glorious words into practice is a whole different ballgame. A realization I came to meet some time ago was that this is a whole lot of work and I am not completely convinced I am up for the task.

I can now more fully understand and appreciate why people relegate themselves to just taking the easy way out. It is much easier to roll around in your wheelchair than it is to attempt to walk on prosthetics. I cannot believe I am actually writing these words but it is how I feel about the situation right now.

Perhaps I have some misplaced notion that other people will be disappointed in me or some other convoluted idea that I am lazy and unwilling to put forth the effort required to achieve goals I have set forth for myself. Whatever the reason, I am currently unenthusiastic about my eventual ability to actually walk for any extended length of time.

It could very well be that people in situations similar to mine go through this and because I have nothing to compare it to, I just don't realize this is a normal reaction and may or may not change in the future. Questions I ask myself include: Am I working as hard as I should be? Can I really improve my ability to walk for an extended period? Are these small mini walks all I am capable of doing or all I can expect to accomplish? Am I being too hard on myself? The list goes on and on.

Whatever the future holds for me I must cling to the notion that I am doing the best that I can do and learn to be satisfied with my accomplishments. After all I am still a self-sustaining individual capable of taking take of myself and maintaining  a home on my own.

No matter what happens in my future I am ever vigilant of the blessings I still have, my home, my family, my friends and my ability to seek and find reasons to be thankful and happy. Perhaps I should just lighten up a little and learn to go with the flow of my life, taking things in stride and remembering that small voice I hear from time to time that says, "The best of your life is yet to come."

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Saturday, January 12, 2013

Ups and Downs

Usually when I decide to write a blog post, the words flow forth somewhat easily. I think for a day or two about what it is I want to write and then write my thoughts down in a notebook first, reworking things as I see fit.

I have not written anything yet this year, this is the first post of 2013. I have attempted to write a couple of times this year but I did not like what I had written or it seemed like a hodge podge of jumbled thoughts or words.

Through the past almost two years I have tried to write on the average of once a week, sometimes more often a little less. Of course we have all heard of writer's block, a seeming inability to come up with interesting and tangible thoughts or ideas.

I have tried to make sure my blog is filled with uplifting thoughts, something I hope makes the reader feel good, thankful, and grateful for the things they find in their own lives.

In spite of the things I have written and wholeheartedly believe, in the past couple of years, I am having a really heard difficult time being  positive about myself and my life. Normally I would never write while in my present state of mind, but I have heard that writing can be a good way of alleviating stress, so here I am writing to you.

I realize all that I have for which to be thankful, but the last couple of weeks it has been unusually difficult for me to maintain my generally positive attitude toward my life. Everything seems to be weighing me down. Usually I can shrug things off fairly easily but recently I can't seem to see the sun because of the incessant and gray clouds covering the light I can usually more easily access.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever found my life in such a state as it seems to be in at this point. As I have mentioned in other posts sometimes I sit in my wheelchair and I watch people walking by. I marvel at the ease with which they take their steps, oblivious to the fact the the ability to walk is such a marvelous part of life, an oblivion I was also in before the loss of my legs.

I feel as if life is passing right before me and I am merely a spectator observing others as they go about living their lives. I greatly dislike the feelings of being a nonparticipating functioning part of living life.

I know you may cringe when I propose this question but here goes, did you ever ask yourself, "If I were gone tomorrow, who's life would be affected on a  daily basis without my presence?"

Sure I have been blessed with family and friends and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them, but who would genuinely be affected by my absence? I suspect if we were honest about it, not many.

I guess it is normal to feel down from time to time especially when you have experienced the types of monumental losses that have affected my life. Now don't go and get all psychoanalytic on me, I am not suicidal or anything and I am not wallowing in the depths of despair, simply posing a question that I have experienced through the loss of friends in my own life.

A couple of weeks ago I started crying when I was looking at a pair of Grinch lounge pants (you know the Suess character who stole Christmas) that I received for Christmas from my sister, Rhonda. I had a pair of similar Grinch lounge pants several years ago, given to me by my best friend, Kevin. I loved those pants so much I wore them until they had holes in them and had to be throw away. Rhonda knew how much I liked them, hence the new pair.

Why did I cry a few days later when I looked at the new pair? I cried because it brought back memories of how much I have lost. I no longer wear lounge pants and slippers as I used to do.

You see when you wear prosthetic limbs, legs in particular, they are worn for two main reasons, to walk or stand and to camouflage the loss of your legs. There is no such thing as lounging while wearing prosthetic legs.

My tears were tears of grief over the  loss of my legs and also my friend, Kevin who passed away from cancer almost eight years ago. Of course Rhonda would never deliberately do anything to make me cry, she had no idea, nor did I, that those lounge pants would evoke such a response.

You are probably wondering why I am writing all of this, I am writing this because this is how I feel at this moment. Sorry if this is not my usual happy, optimistic, glass half full self, readers are accustomed reading in my blog. No one can be positive one hundred percent of the time and though it is not usually my state of mind, it is however, a part of life.

No one needs to tell me to look on the bright side, things could be worse, or count my blessings. I already know and for the most part live my life from those areas and those realizations, but today, in fact, for the past couple of weeks I have not been in that state.

I suppose this may have been a downer to read but guess what? My life is a downer a lot of the time. I guess I am not coming from a good place right now and if I waited until I was in a better place to write this post, who knows when that might be?

Life is full of ups and downs and being a honest and upfront writer means sharing both good and bad days with you and I feel privileged to know you have taken the time to read my words, be they optimistic or even not so optimistic.

Things will be better the next time I write but thanks for stopping by anyway.

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