When a person has been through a devastating loss, as I have, through the loss of my legs, a lot of things change in your life. Not just the obvious inability to walk, but more often than not you are unable to perform the job you were doing before your loss. This is not always true but in my instance it is, as my work was very physically demanding.
With the loss of your job of course comes the loss of income and on it goes. Currently I feel as though I am being barraged by a multitude of circumstances that seem to be out of my control.
First of all, I have been trying for the last two months to find a roommate to help share living expenses, specifically the mortgage payment. One would think that this would not be a difficult endeavor, however, it has proved to be most challenging.
My experiences have gone from people promising to come over at a specified time and not showing up or even bothering to call, to others who reveal irrelevant details about their lives and ask me to do them favors, even though I have never actually laid eyes upon them. I have also had two people and their dog asking me to let them move in for 4-6 months, when my ad states I am looking for one person, no pets, and a year lease. I don't get it.
Meanwhile I have been trying to get a loan modification through my lousy mortgage company, CitiMortgage, for the past 6 months and it has been a complete runaround. On numerous occasions I have provided to them at their the endless requests, tons of paperwork and documentation and a week before the decision is alledgedly going to be made, they request more senseless paperwork, thus prolonging the decision yet another month. This has happened at least 5 times.
While all of these things are going on simultaneously, I am trying to stay focussed on my disability and all that that entails. Needless to say my stress level is at an all time high.
Normally I would not write a blog post while in this state of mind and yet I feel it is necessary to express my level of concern about my life and my well being.
Try as I may, through prayer, postitive statements to myself, being thankful for what is and counting the many blessings I do have in my life, I just cannot seem to make any progress toward solving any of my concerns at this time.
It is so easy to allow yourself to become overwhelmed by so many problems happening all at the same time. I realize that the best way to approach problems is to solve each problem one at a time. This is my normal system of resolving multiple issues but there seem to be so many things over which I have little or no control.
What am I going to do? I am going to put the burden on God's shoulders, I am going to let go and let God show me the solution to all of these circumstances.
When you feel you have done all that you can do, you must let it go and quiet your mind and body, then listen to that still small voice inside of you. A voice so faint it is barely audible but if you listen intently you receive the guidance you seek.
It is now three days later since I began writing this particular blog post and I feel a little better today, even though since I began this writing, I did receive written notice from my mortgage company and they are NOT going to modify my mortgage. Surprise. Surprise.
I have had a couple of conversations with friends about my various predictments and have received some reassurance, which made me feel better. No concrete solutions were found but talking about things to my friends have made me feel better.
Even though many people have told me how strong they think I am, occasionally I have real feelings of discouragement and weakness. Generally I don't like to show my weakness and vulnerability but we are, after all, only human and as much as we might try to disguise our self-doubt and an inability to cope, if only slightly and temporarily, it is a comfort to know you have others to turn to for support.
All of the things I have mentioned are solvable, there are solutions to be found, maybe not right this minute or even today but things will be resloved one way or the other.
As my dear friend, Ruthie, pointed out to me, you have so many people who love and care about you, no real harm will happen, no one is going to idolly stand by and let you lose your home. Ruthie says when she has one of those days she just says, "I'm done" then she either pours herself a cocktail or goes to bed or both.
Not a bad idea...... tomorrow is another day.
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