Senselessness

This was originally written while I was in the hospital on 1/15/11.


I'm sitting here in room 621 of the Bowman Rehab Center after losing my second leg just before Christmas. I can't believe this has happened. I really don't think the whole impact has sunk into my psyche. I was watching a commercial about people who are morbidly obese and it occurred to how senseless life can be. Sometimes it is a lesson in futility to try and make sense of how and why things happen the way they do. I mean here are people who have spent years overeating to the point of barely being able to sit up in bed and here I am someone who has at least for the last several years tried to take care of their self, by watching my diet and exercising and yet it is I who loses not one but both of my legs, not that any of us should suffer such a fate. Does that make any sense?


Where is the justice or fairness in that? The answer is there is no fairness or justice--life is full of senseless occurrences. I hope as my life continues I can make some kind of sense of it all. Perhaps this has happened so that I can give back to society in some way, that I can express my feelings and help another in a similar situation, to cope and to perservere. Possibly to explain that maybe these hardships we endure give us a chance to look at our lives, to analyze and become stronger individuals and through our strength help others.


I hope someday to organize my seemingly random thoughts about the hardships I have endured into a book. This book will help others learn to deal with their situations and be able to live happy and productive lives. If I can contribute in some small way to make another person's life easier, happier, and more positive through my experiences and thoughts then I will know all have been through was not futile.


I pray that God will help me to help first myself so that I can in turn help others, then and only then will the life I have lived make sense. Making sense out of seemingly senselessness will be my greatest contribution to others. Amen