Gaining Momentum

It feels so good to have things to report that demonstrate my renewed conviction toward living my life more fully. As I stated in my last blog post, I have moved forward toward joining the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago (RIC), this is a workout gym designed specifically for persons with disabilities.

It was through the encouragement from my new friend, Bruce, that led me to finally follow through on something I had been thinking of doing for over a year and a half. I am going to the gym for the first time in two years and I am looking forward to it with great anticipation and expectations.

Normally there is an evaluation process to determine what programs are suited to a particular person and their situation. A lot of people use RIC as a means of recovering from debilitating illnesses such as a stroke or learning how to deal with Parkinson's Disease and the like. However, as we know I have been working out at home for the two past years, and after having spoken to the RIC manager we determined that such an evaluation would not be necessary in my circumstance.

So, I will be going to RIC as a gym patron. I have decided that I will be wearing my short legs to the gym, as the long legs (C-legs) could prove to be a hindrance rather than an aid. As you may recall, about this time last year I was so self conscious about being seen in those legs that at first I would not even wear them into the physical therapy gym, instead remaining in the exam room. Eventually I wore them out into the physical therapy gym, similarly, it has followed throughout other areas of my life.

Now I have decided that I will wear the short legs from the onset at this new gym. In the not so distant past, I would wear the C-legs and change into the short legs when I arrived, but not this time.

I really believe that the influence that my new mentor, Bruce, has had on me has made me rethink my entire approach to wearing the short legs and I am learning that this feeling of self-consciousness is a self inflicted constraint that I would be well served to discard.

Sometimes it takes time to develop a mindset that will allow you to realize you are only hurting your own progress by being overly concerned with how you look to others and that your own personal gains are what really matter in the scheme of your life. This mindset may come easily to some, take time for others and there are those who will never reach that point.

Anyway, I am finally at a point where I want my progress to supersede any other potentially disqualifying feelings of peculiarity and move forward toward my goals. I have been wearing these short legs almost continuously and now in front of people that in the past I may not have been willing to do so. I think that is progress.

My buddy, Bruce, said I should also on occasion walk on the longer legs, so that I am not out of practice. Guess what ? Too late. I walked about twenty feet and I thought I was going to die.

It is as if I am starting all over on the long legs because I have not been practicing walking in them as I should have been. Alas all is not lost as I will begin again, something I am quite accustomed to doing.

I am hoping that walking in the longer legs will be much like a person's muscle memory, it will come back readily and it will not like starting completely from scratch.

It is exciting this newly found momentum and I am determined to keep the ball rolling and in the course gain speed, moving ever closer to those goals and perhaps setting even higher ones for my future.

A quick shout out to Bruce for your continuous inspiration and encouragement, you are truly a brother. Thanks for taking the time to help me make the quality of my life better.

*To leave a comment hit the comment button below, to reach me personally write to: glennartinc@yahoo.com

Found Inspiration

If you are a follower on my blog you must have realized my last couple of posts have not been as uplifting or optimistic as they have been in the past.

As I explained in my last post, sometimes you reach a point where reality is not on par with what you had anticipated. As I have been trying to come to terms with my reality, I started searching on the Internet for other bilateral above knee amputees, to see if I could communicate with someone in a similar situation.

Believe it or not I located a gay man in California who is also a bilateral above knee (AK) amputee. My new friend is a Marine still serving but in a different capacity than before he was severely injured while serving this country, resulting in the loss of both of his legs both above the knee.

I am not sure he wants me to use his real name, so for the sake of anonymity I will call him Bruce. Bruce who became a double amputee in 2011, has already accomplished so much in his pursuit of walking again.

Bruce walks full time unaided on his "short legs" and can also walk almost always unaided in his full length C-legs (c is for computerized). Of course after having spoken with him on several occasions, I voiced my concern about my own progress or lack thereof.

Bruce told me, as I had already suspected, that the environment he was privy to was a rehab gym full of amputee war veterans. This group of heroic veterans were at a great advantage over me, in that they were inpatient men working together at the same time striving to reach the same common goals. In other words they were there for each other as a support system.

He assured me that if my circumstances were the same as his, that I too would be much further down my path than where I find myself. Bruce also cautioned me against making comparisons between two incomparable scenarios.

Bruce's ability to recover as fully as he has in more ways than just walking, has been a real concrete inspiration to me and my life circumstances. Finally I have spoken with someone who not only understands what I am going through, but also has been very encouraging to me as an individual.

In the past week I have already increased the amount I have been walking on my short legs, not dramatically but significantly and he told me he was proud that I have already made "strides" in the direction I want to go.

Bruce asked me if I drove my car while wearing my short legs. I said, Are you kidding? I have never even gotten into my car wearing those legs. Suffice it to say the next day I did just that, I walked on my short legs from my wheelchair to my car and after much trial and error, figured out a way to climb up and into my car. Next, I got out of my car and walked back to my wheelchair.

This new friend, Bruce, a bodybuilder, with an incredible physique, has now challenged me even further, advocating fully for me to return to the gym. I have asked him many questions about working out and he has done all of it in a public gym while wearing his short legs, incredible.

My new friend and now mentor, Bruce has come along in my life at just the perfect time and through his knowledge and encouragement, I feel rejuvenated.

I am not saying I will accomplish all that he has by tomorrow, but now I have someone with whom I can completely identify, who has also showed genuine interest in helping me help myself.

Please do not think I am slighting all of the professional clinicians who have already helped beyond words.

This however, is a fellow bilateral AK amputee and he is a gay man also. Who better to understand me, my fears, anxieties and self doubts than Bruce? In addition Bruce is a competitive bodybuilder with vast knowledge of what an amputee can expect to accomplish with respect to working out at the gym.

It is my hope that over time Bruce and I will establish a bond that can only be formed by people brought together through this common amputation and made stronger by our shared commonalities.

I realize I have not known this guy very long but I can already sense that he cares and is capable and more importantly willing to share his time and knowledge with me, just to make sure I live a happier and more satisfied life.

Without going into specific details Bruce has overcome so many losses in his life, not the least of which were the loss of both of his legs, to become a powerful force of life.

I like one of his mottoes that is a reflection of wearing short legs, "Half as tall, but twice as strong."

Thanks Bruce for your continued inspiration, it means so much.

*To leave a comment hit the comment but below, to contact me personally write to: glennartinc@yahoo.com

Number One Hundred

This is the the 100th blog post of my blogging history. One might think that I have some monumental announcement to make, but alas, not really.

Recently I have been having a difficult time coming up with material to write, this is not the usual with me but it could be for several reasons. Since I no longer participate in physical therapy I have less interaction with other people than I had before, hence less stories with which to amuse myself and my readers.

It  should also not be surprising that  I have a tendency to write things from an optimistic point of view and as of late that optimism has become somewhat elusive. I am not saying that I am wallowing in the pit of despair but I  guess you could say reality has set in and I am not sure I am going to be able to attain some of the goals I set forth two years ago. I guess a more appropriate approach is that things are more realistic than they were two years ago.

I am at a point in this whole leg loss scenario where I have a more true perspective of what I am actually physically capable of achieving. Coming to terms with the reality in one's life is sometimes disillusioning, seeing and living things as they unfold and making evaluations about what is achievable and not, can leave you disappointed.

This may not really be disappointment, but rather reality bringing you to place where you never thought you would be. I am not saying I am giving up on this walking thing but putting these glorious words into practice is a whole different ballgame. A realization I came to meet some time ago was that this is a whole lot of work and I am not completely convinced I am up for the task.

I can now more fully understand and appreciate why people relegate themselves to just taking the easy way out. It is much easier to roll around in your wheelchair than it is to attempt to walk on prosthetics. I cannot believe I am actually writing these words but it is how I feel about the situation right now.

Perhaps I have some misplaced notion that other people will be disappointed in me or some other convoluted idea that I am lazy and unwilling to put forth the effort required to achieve goals I have set forth for myself. Whatever the reason, I am currently unenthusiastic about my eventual ability to actually walk for any extended length of time.

It could very well be that people in situations similar to mine go through this and because I have nothing to compare it to, I just don't realize this is a normal reaction and may or may not change in the future. Questions I ask myself include: Am I working as hard as I should be? Can I really improve my ability to walk for an extended period? Are these small mini walks all I am capable of doing or all I can expect to accomplish? Am I being too hard on myself? The list goes on and on.

Whatever the future holds for me I must cling to the notion that I am doing the best that I can do and learn to be satisfied with my accomplishments. After all I am still a self-sustaining individual capable of taking take of myself and maintaining  a home on my own.

No matter what happens in my future I am ever vigilant of the blessings I still have, my home, my family, my friends and my ability to seek and find reasons to be thankful and happy. Perhaps I should just lighten up a little and learn to go with the flow of my life, taking things in stride and remembering that small voice I hear from time to time that says, "The best of your life is yet to come."

*To leave a comment click the button below to reach me personally write to: glennartinc@yahoo.com

Ups and Downs

Usually when I decide to write a blog post, the words flow forth somewhat easily. I think for a day or two about what it is I want to write and then write my thoughts down in a notebook first, reworking things as I see fit.

I have not written anything yet this year, this is the first post of 2013. I have attempted to write a couple of times this year but I did not like what I had written or it seemed like a hodge podge of jumbled thoughts or words.

Through the past almost two years I have tried to write on the average of once a week, sometimes more often a little less. Of course we have all heard of writer's block, a seeming inability to come up with interesting and tangible thoughts or ideas.

I have tried to make sure my blog is filled with uplifting thoughts, something I hope makes the reader feel good, thankful, and grateful for the things they find in their own lives.

In spite of the things I have written and wholeheartedly believe, in the past couple of years, I am having a really heard difficult time being  positive about myself and my life. Normally I would never write while in my present state of mind, but I have heard that writing can be a good way of alleviating stress, so here I am writing to you.

I realize all that I have for which to be thankful, but the last couple of weeks it has been unusually difficult for me to maintain my generally positive attitude toward my life. Everything seems to be weighing me down. Usually I can shrug things off fairly easily but recently I can't seem to see the sun because of the incessant and gray clouds covering the light I can usually more easily access.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever found my life in such a state as it seems to be in at this point. As I have mentioned in other posts sometimes I sit in my wheelchair and I watch people walking by. I marvel at the ease with which they take their steps, oblivious to the fact the the ability to walk is such a marvelous part of life, an oblivion I was also in before the loss of my legs.

I feel as if life is passing right before me and I am merely a spectator observing others as they go about living their lives. I greatly dislike the feelings of being a nonparticipating functioning part of living life.

I know you may cringe when I propose this question but here goes, did you ever ask yourself, "If I were gone tomorrow, who's life would be affected on a  daily basis without my presence?"

Sure I have been blessed with family and friends and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them, but who would genuinely be affected by my absence? I suspect if we were honest about it, not many.

I guess it is normal to feel down from time to time especially when you have experienced the types of monumental losses that have affected my life. Now don't go and get all psychoanalytic on me, I am not suicidal or anything and I am not wallowing in the depths of despair, simply posing a question that I have experienced through the loss of friends in my own life.

A couple of weeks ago I started crying when I was looking at a pair of Grinch lounge pants (you know the Suess character who stole Christmas) that I received for Christmas from my sister, Rhonda. I had a pair of similar Grinch lounge pants several years ago, given to me by my best friend, Kevin. I loved those pants so much I wore them until they had holes in them and had to be throw away. Rhonda knew how much I liked them, hence the new pair.

Why did I cry a few days later when I looked at the new pair? I cried because it brought back memories of how much I have lost. I no longer wear lounge pants and slippers as I used to do.

You see when you wear prosthetic limbs, legs in particular, they are worn for two main reasons, to walk or stand and to camouflage the loss of your legs. There is no such thing as lounging while wearing prosthetic legs.

My tears were tears of grief over the  loss of my legs and also my friend, Kevin who passed away from cancer almost eight years ago. Of course Rhonda would never deliberately do anything to make me cry, she had no idea, nor did I, that those lounge pants would evoke such a response.

You are probably wondering why I am writing all of this, I am writing this because this is how I feel at this moment. Sorry if this is not my usual happy, optimistic, glass half full self, readers are accustomed reading in my blog. No one can be positive one hundred percent of the time and though it is not usually my state of mind, it is however, a part of life.

No one needs to tell me to look on the bright side, things could be worse, or count my blessings. I already know and for the most part live my life from those areas and those realizations, but today, in fact, for the past couple of weeks I have not been in that state.

I suppose this may have been a downer to read but guess what? My life is a downer a lot of the time. I guess I am not coming from a good place right now and if I waited until I was in a better place to write this post, who knows when that might be?

Life is full of ups and downs and being a honest and upfront writer means sharing both good and bad days with you and I feel privileged to know you have taken the time to read my words, be they optimistic or even not so optimistic.

Things will be better the next time I write but thanks for stopping by anyway.

*To leave a comment click the comment area below, to write me personally I can be reached at: glennartinc@yahoo.com

Year End Review

I am sitting at my sister and brother-in-law's house looking at a howling blizzard outside, and I am thinking how lucky I am to be safe and secure in this beautiful place. As always we had a wonderful and crazy Christmas. The wrapping paper was flying as everyone was opening their gifts, certainly a reason to be thankful that we have all been so blessed.

In keeping with that spirit, I thought I would write about some of the highs and lows of the past year. As each year passes I am mindful of the ever increasing longevity of my friendships and how important my friendships are to my overall happiness. I also have become increasingly cognizant of the impermanence of almost everything in our lives and the need to appreciate  who we have in our lives while we have them.

Each year we add to the cherished memories we create as the years quickly pass. Unfortunately I lost two friends to cancer in this past year. First my friend of 23 years, Shawn Daly, I have written about him on several occasions and certainly could not have let this year end review pass by without mentioning this monumental loss. I still have his last two voice mail messages on my cellphone so that I can remember his voice. I will never forget all the times this guy made me laugh at his insane antics and of course the cruise we took together.

The second loss of a friend in 2012, is someone who  I actually lost a couple of years before she passed, there was a lack of communication between the two of us that resulted in her choosing to part ways and thus ending our friendship. This was a particularly difficult situation for me because I was not made aware of her cancer diagnosis and so I did not participate in her final years. Now I understand that her dying is about her and not about me, however, I loved her and would like to have demonstrated my love and support to her  because of the mutual love and friendship we once shared. I have been mourning the loss of our friendship for a couple of years but her passing just finalized something I had hoped could have been remedied. She will be greatly missed by me.

I stopped physical therapy in October of this year because of a newly imposed "cap" on medicare benefits, this cap was implemented retrospectively and thus I was not informed about the imminent monetary end of physical therapy until I had reached the limit.  This abruptness  of course left little time to tie up any loose ends and make as smooth a transition away from my "physical therapy family" as I would have liked.

As 2013 fast approaches I am not sure if I am going back to therapy at all. There is very little left to do except for an occasional review of my progress or lack there of, and the encouragement that ostensibly I need. To be perfectly honest, I am not working as diligently toward walking on those short legs as I should or could be. I guess over the course of time I am realizing how daunting this task before actually is. I realize that everyone gets discouraged from time to time but I am wondering if the effort necessary to walk on those short legs is really worth all the energy I expend.

The roommate drama continues as I search for a suitable candidate, something that I thought would be a no brainer has turned out to be quite a challenge, not to speak of the financial hardship of not having someone to share living expenses poses for me in my life.

My friend, Steve told me he thought I was one of the most positive persons he knew, according to him I am always finding the good in people. While I will admit I do think most people are good deep within their souls, I have found  that some persons disguise that innate goodness pretty well. I think after having reread what I have written thus far, it does not sound all that positive.

I guess it is now safe to say I have made it two years without a hospital stay, something I have not been able to say for quite a few years. If that is not a reason to be happy and thankful than I don' t know what is. It was a little over two years ago that I lost my second leg.

Every year it seems I look forward to greener pastures, hoping and visualizing good things for everyone in the coming year and this year is no different. I think sometimes rather than dwelling on what was not accomplished in the past year we should focus on what was accomplished and realize that if I can still write these words and you can still read them than we should rejoice in those facts and let the new year unfold such as it will.

Happy and Blessed New Year to Everyone.

*To leave a comment hit the comment tab below, to reach  me personally write me at: glennartinc@yahoo.com

Evaluating Our Priorities

Not unlike the rest of the nation who is still reeling in the wake of yesterday's horrific tragedy, I was deeply affected by the senseless loss of life.

I am not going to rant and rave about the gun laws and lack of control our nation seems to be so apathetic about changing, instead, I am going to talk about keeping our priorities straight and evaluating the prospective we have about our own individual lives.

It is so easy to get lost in the maze of our own  seemingly endless problems. We forget from time to time what is really important. We get preoccupied in everyday trivialities, which upon closer examination and when weighed against what is really important, seem petty and sometimes even meaningless.

We forget the joy of a child's smiling face, the hug from a close friend, the comfort we feel when surrounded by those whom we love and who love  us. This heinous act which was perpetrated upon innocent children and loving, dedicated educators is a sobering reminder that we should pay closer attention and show more appreciation to people we love.

It is never known in advance what lays ahead around the next bend in our lives, consequently, perhaps we should try to be more conscientious about telling and showing those whom we love how much they really mean to us.

We get wrapped up in the business of living and sometimes take for granted that those who are in our lives will always be there. If everyone would tell at least one other person every day that they love them, that they are proud of them, and that they appreciate them, our world would be so much more of a loving place in which to live.

When I think about those children whose lives were snuffed out in the blink of an eye, I want to cry. I want to cry for what could have and should have been.

Let us all reexamine our priorities to determine what is really important in our lives, remembering that love and life are what our real priorities should be.

I am as guilty as  anyone of getting caught up in my own world of problems and not remembering to tell my family and friends how much they mean to me and how much better my life is because they are a part of it.

I hope that many lessons will be learned through the loss of all of those innocent lives yesterday and that we as people collectively will change whatever needs to be changed, be it laws, attitudes, societal tolerance, or restraint to curtail if not totally eliminate further needless bloodshed.

Today is the day and now is the time to change our priorities, demonstrate  our love for each other not only through our words but also through our actions. Each of us have the capacity to evoke change and the first step is to exemplify our reverence for life itself and every one's inalienable right to live happy and fulfilling lives.

May God bless those children and teachers who lives were stolen from them yesterday and may God's strength and peace be with the family and friends of those who have suffered such an inconceivable loss. Amen.

Weird Blog Comments

For the past few months I have been receiving weird blog comments, always by an anonymous person. The comments usually pay some arbitrary or generic compliment, followed by a web page or other blog they would like for me to visit.

I visited a few of them and they have absolutely nothing to do with my blog post. Could it be that some word contained within the title of my particular blog post prompted a person searching on google to my site? If that is the case, than why would this be happening all of a sudden?

A few months ago I received a blog comment on the post I titled, "Utilizing All of Your Tools" the comment said, "Alle denken immer nur das Eine." I had a friend of mine translate it from the German it was written in, to English. The translation is, "Some people only think of themselves." What is that supposed to mean?

If anyone has any insight as to why this has been happening please share that information with me. It is a little irritating to me that these unrelated and irrelevant comments are being sent to me.

My blog was designed to be informative and hopefully uplifting, not used as a means to promote or increase the Internet traffic on another blog or website that is not connected with my blog topic or concerned with life as an amputee.

While I am on the subject of blog comments, I think there has been some confusion as to how a comment is posted on my blog site. If you would like to leave a comment, you enter it in the comment section following the blog post. If you want your comment to appear at the end of my blog, after entering the comment, hit the word publish and it will be printed in the comment box for other blog visitors to read.

The comment box at the end of a blog post serves two purposes; first, to give me, the author, some feedback from you, the reader, and secondly, by publishing your comment, I then have the opportunity to respond to you comments.

This back and forth dialogue is something I have always hoped would happen but has never actually caught on. Does all of this make sense?

There is a blog forum associated with "blogspot.com" and I guess I should pose these questions to the forum to see if others have experienced similar occurrences.

I am only writing these things because I am hoping these arbitrary comments will stop, which is not to say that I do not value reader's comments, on the contrary, I highly value the comments my readers take the time to write.

I enjoy reading the comments sent to me, both positive and negative. It gives me a sense of accomplishment knowing that people feel the words I share about my experiences as a bilateral amputee have meaning and are relevant.

This blog was meant not only to be informative but to also help people understand my life as I go through it as an amputee. Ultimately, I hope this blog serves as words of encouragement  to others who may not be an amputee per se, but looking for a new perspective on how to interpret  life's circumstances and learn to live as happy and positive a life as possible.

Thank you.

*Please leave your comments below or to write to personally at: glennartinc@yahoo.com