I began writing this blog February 7, 2011. This is the 58th passage I have written. I am going to call this the one year anniversary of my blog, even though technically it will be a year three days from now.
What have I learned and where do I want to go in the future?
I have learned first and foremost that I really enjoy writing. Not only do I enjoy writing but I also enjoy the cathartic feeling I derive from sharing my thoughts and feelings with all of you.
Over the past year, after having reread some of my earlier passages, I feel I have grown in many aspects as a result of this blog.
Writing www.glennlifewithoutlegs.blogspot.com has allowed me to take a good hard look at my life, my challenges, my successes, and my failures.
When you write about your life and attempt to put into words your feelings, your emotions, and the prospects for your future, you are forced
to really be introspective about your life.
I have accomplished much in this past year not only in my ability to express myself in words but also in the day to day management of living a life without legs.
There was a time in my life not so long ago that I wondered to myself if I were to lose my second leg, could I carry on? Would my life be worth living? Would my life be too difficult to be worthwhile? Would I be happy?
I am actually surprised and pleased with how well I have adjusted to this life without my legs. Would I have chosen this path? Of course not. As the saying goes, "it is not what hand you are dealt in life that matters, rather it is what you choose to do with that hand, that really matters."
As is to be expected, my life is not an easy one. Everyday tasks we take for granted, like walking, bathing, shopping, and driving a car, are now endeavors that take time, planning and energy. I am still able to do most everything that needs to be done to remain a self-sufficient individual and live independently.
I am thankful to still be able to live in my own beautiful home, independent, self-reliant and happy. I realize my situation could have been much worse, as are the lives of so many others in similar circumstances.
I never lose sight of the blessings in my life that still remain. I am thankful for the strong and positive outlook I have on my life and my future. The inner strength that has surfaced in my life has been an epiphany of sorts.
I attribute my inner strength to my spiritual beliefs. For me, asking God or whatever you choose to call the mastermind of the universe, for their help, strength, power, and positivity has proven to be the secret of my successful transition to living a life without the benefit of both of my legs.
Frustration, discouragement, and disappointment are feelings I am familar with, as are all of you. Whenever I start walking (sort of) down one of those paths I stop myself and choose another path. I choose the paths of fearlessness, perservence, faith and accomplishment.
Some of my favorite mantras are: "Faith that goes forward triumphs." "Walk by faith not sight." "Always reach for the best possible feelings to get the best results." "If you're not expecting it, you're not allowing it." I have countless positive messages I repeat to myself when I am feeling discouraged. This practice has helped my immensely.
What about my future? The future is already here. In reality there is no future, there is only this minute right now. Right now as I write this, I am at home, safe, secure, warm, well fed, writing this blog and listening to my bird, GiGi singing. Am I blessed, what do you think?
As I begin the second year of this blog I am moving closer to my goal of writing book, although this is actually already a book, isn't it?
I know as I continue this blog, great things lie ahead for me. I continue listening to that still small voice in my head telling me "the best of your life is yet to come."
Thanks to all of you for participating in my life over the past year, by reading my blog, writing comments, sending emails, and making phone calls. I really appreciate sharing my life with you and know those feelings are mutual.
God bless us all today and every day.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Feeling Temporarily Discouraged
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't devulge how difficult this learning to walk on short legs has revealed itself to be. At this point in time I must admit I am feeling a little discouraged about the whole program.
It seems to me that maybe I put my expectations of my success either too high or as usual, not given myself enough time to achieve my goal. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record (remember those?), repeating the same mantra over and over, its not good enough, its not fast enough and I'm not making progress.
I realize that I have made some progress, that part in undeniable, however, I guess in my own mind I thought it would be easier.
Chris, my physical therapist, and I have decided to cut my therapy sessions from twice a week to once a week. After all I have been going to therapy twice a week for the past ten monthes.
We feel I have learned the basic maneuvers, how to walk, how to use canes, how to fall, how to get up after fall and now it is time to implement those learned traits by putting them into practice.
As you may recall, the goal is to wear the short legs as much as possible, going through the usual daily routines while wearing the shortened legs. "It is easier said than done" is an understatement.
At this point I can barely walk to the next room without feeling fatigued, much less continue the task I walked into the to room to do in the first place.
Rarely do I lose my enthusiasm when I set my mind to achieve a goal. I think my track record had shown I always perserve. I feel my expectations of achieving my goal are waning.
When I began writing this blog, I wanted it to be a collection of optimistic, realistic and truthful accounts of my experiences through my leg loss journey.
Thus far I feel my blog has been all of those things but it troubles me to have to admit this whole discouragement feeling. If you are reading my blog and have suffered the loss of a limb or possibly two or any monumental loss in your life, I wanted this blog to be a place to turn to for words of encouragement and hope.
Perhaps my sharing my current feelings of discouragement with you, will help you and help me at the same time, by realizing that we are all human beings, only capable of achieving so much in our lives given our situation.
I hope my candor about my feelings will acknowledge that even I, the eternal optimist, feels let down, beat down, and discouraged from time to time. These are natural feelings to be expected and to be dealt with.
Where do I go from here? Get back on the horse or in my case the short legs and try again.
I thought that maybe I shouldn't write about my feelings of disappointment and discouragement, shouldn't share this part of my life, because it borders on feelings of defeat. Obviously, I decided I would write about it.
Let me make sure I am being clear here, I am not giving up. It is not a part of my DNA to be a quitter, to give up, to lose my race. I guess it was time to share with my readers the feelings of frustration and discouragement that are an everyday part of my leg loss.
I do not live in this world wearing rose colored glasses nor do I live in a "Pollyanna" world as I have been told by others from time to time. It has taken me a year to realize the magnitude of the loss of my second leg and how much more difficult it is than the loss of the one leg.
Am I discouraged? yes, somewhat. Have I lost my zeal for life? absolutely not.
As a matter of fact just writing these words today has already begun to stir within myself the importance of walking the walk (excuse the pun), practicing what I myself have preached over the past year. It is about lifting yourself out of the fog of negativity and potentially destructive feelings of defeat, then recommitting yourself to your original objective.
Alas, no one said life would be easy and I for one can attest to that.
Fortunately as we all know nothing lasts forever. This loss of my legs appears to be something that will last forever but bear in mind it will only last the length of this lifetime, which as we know will not be forever.
When this lifetime has come to a close and I refect upon it, I want to know I did my best and did it with courage, conviction, and dignity. What more could anyone ask of me and I of myself?
It seems to me that maybe I put my expectations of my success either too high or as usual, not given myself enough time to achieve my goal. Sometimes I feel like I am a broken record (remember those?), repeating the same mantra over and over, its not good enough, its not fast enough and I'm not making progress.
I realize that I have made some progress, that part in undeniable, however, I guess in my own mind I thought it would be easier.
Chris, my physical therapist, and I have decided to cut my therapy sessions from twice a week to once a week. After all I have been going to therapy twice a week for the past ten monthes.
We feel I have learned the basic maneuvers, how to walk, how to use canes, how to fall, how to get up after fall and now it is time to implement those learned traits by putting them into practice.
As you may recall, the goal is to wear the short legs as much as possible, going through the usual daily routines while wearing the shortened legs. "It is easier said than done" is an understatement.
At this point I can barely walk to the next room without feeling fatigued, much less continue the task I walked into the to room to do in the first place.
Rarely do I lose my enthusiasm when I set my mind to achieve a goal. I think my track record had shown I always perserve. I feel my expectations of achieving my goal are waning.
When I began writing this blog, I wanted it to be a collection of optimistic, realistic and truthful accounts of my experiences through my leg loss journey.
Thus far I feel my blog has been all of those things but it troubles me to have to admit this whole discouragement feeling. If you are reading my blog and have suffered the loss of a limb or possibly two or any monumental loss in your life, I wanted this blog to be a place to turn to for words of encouragement and hope.
Perhaps my sharing my current feelings of discouragement with you, will help you and help me at the same time, by realizing that we are all human beings, only capable of achieving so much in our lives given our situation.
I hope my candor about my feelings will acknowledge that even I, the eternal optimist, feels let down, beat down, and discouraged from time to time. These are natural feelings to be expected and to be dealt with.
Where do I go from here? Get back on the horse or in my case the short legs and try again.
I thought that maybe I shouldn't write about my feelings of disappointment and discouragement, shouldn't share this part of my life, because it borders on feelings of defeat. Obviously, I decided I would write about it.
Let me make sure I am being clear here, I am not giving up. It is not a part of my DNA to be a quitter, to give up, to lose my race. I guess it was time to share with my readers the feelings of frustration and discouragement that are an everyday part of my leg loss.
I do not live in this world wearing rose colored glasses nor do I live in a "Pollyanna" world as I have been told by others from time to time. It has taken me a year to realize the magnitude of the loss of my second leg and how much more difficult it is than the loss of the one leg.
Am I discouraged? yes, somewhat. Have I lost my zeal for life? absolutely not.
As a matter of fact just writing these words today has already begun to stir within myself the importance of walking the walk (excuse the pun), practicing what I myself have preached over the past year. It is about lifting yourself out of the fog of negativity and potentially destructive feelings of defeat, then recommitting yourself to your original objective.
Alas, no one said life would be easy and I for one can attest to that.
Fortunately as we all know nothing lasts forever. This loss of my legs appears to be something that will last forever but bear in mind it will only last the length of this lifetime, which as we know will not be forever.
When this lifetime has come to a close and I refect upon it, I want to know I did my best and did it with courage, conviction, and dignity. What more could anyone ask of me and I of myself?
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Importance of Spirituality
A strangely eerie but quite joyful event happened at my sister Rhonda and brother-in-law Peter's house on Christmas day. I was taking pictures of my family, I took seventeen pictures in all. They were the usual kind of photos anyone would take on such an occasion.
When I viewed the photos there was one particular photograph that stood out. It was a picture of my sister, Delpha, in the background and of my neice, Erica, and her new baby, Matthew along with the back of my great neice, Emily's head in a Santa hat, in the foreground.
For some unknown reason it was the only picture of the seventeen taken that was out of focus. When I saw the image I was immediately struck by the fact it looked like a picture of my Mother.
This photograph, although out of focus, looked as if my Mother was sitting on the couch in the living room! I showed this photo to Bill and even though he had never met my Mother, he has seen pictures of her in my home, without any prompting from me he said to me this looks like your Mother.
A discussion about the photograph ensued and he began to scrutinize the photo more closely. If you look carefully there is an aura about her head in the photo. After Bill left my house he did some research about this type of photograpic phonomena and his research devulged that often times when our deceased relatives pay us a visit it is often around happy family events(like Christmas) or when a new member enters the family (my new great nephew).
Before he mentioned those facts I had never really considered that this was my great nephew's first Christmas. Of course anyone who knew my Mother would know that Chrsitmas was by far her favorite holiday.
Some readers may wonder what does any of this have to do with the fact that this blog is primarily about losing your legs?
I believe when you have dealt with, or are confronted with monumental catastrophic life changing events like my leg loss, your belief in a higher spiritual being will be of great comfort to you during these and the subsequent events in your life that folow.
If I did not have my belief in a Higher Source, a Devine Being, God, a source of unseen guidance, my life would be greatly diminished. I pray often for guidance and strength to get me through the leg loss ordeal I have been thrust into.
I'm sure I have mentioned before that I talk to both of my deceased parents all the time, asking for help and strength. It was no surprise to me that my Mother came to visit her family, meet her new great grandson and participate, although unseen, in our Christmas.
Upon closer analysis of the whole photographic phonomena I wondered why my Mother had chosen Delpha as her vehicle to show herself in that photo. Why wouldn't she choose Delpha? Delpha was the only child of her four children who was with her when she left this world and Delpha is her youngest child.
There are many naysayers in this world, people who would like to think I am silly for thinking such things as I have just written. Be that as it may, I believe it was my Mother, a realization that has brought me joy and comfort. My belief in an afterlife had sustained me in this life, given me reason to carry on, live a life of dignity, grace and perseverance. You can't really argue with a belief that has helped and continues to help you live a better more fulfilling life.
I get goosebumps everytime I look at the photo, goosebumps because I know she was and is here now as I write this.
It looks like my Mother gave me the greatest Christmas gift of all, herself...
Friday, January 13, 2012
The Comment Box--A Mix Up
When I began writing this blog, and as time went on, the goals I hoped to achieve through this blog began to evolve.
One of the main objectives that became more and more apparent to me was that this blog is here to help people, particularly persons who are facing hardships in their lives.
I have received many comments throughout the past year in the comment box located at the end of each blog entry. Of course I appreciate all of the compliments I have received and all of the feedback about those topics that I have chosen to write. I thank each and every reader for taking the time not only to read my blog but especially for taking even more time to comment on what I have written.
That being said, what I would like to address are those comments I have received from people who were going through their own personal trials, be it a physical affliction, a psychological problem dealing with a particular disability or injury, and those asking for advice concerning various organizations that are designed to assist people with disabilities.
As we know I am not the most computer savvy person on the planet and I have been learning how this whole "blog thing" works as I have gone along. There have been readers who have written to me asking for help in various ways.
When you leave a comment in the comment box at the end of my blog, it sends an email to my personal email inbox, alerting me that a comment has been made. In the past, when I read an email sent to me through my blog I was under the mistaken impression that when I responded to the email by hitting the reply button on my personal email account, that those who wrote to me would receive my reply. This is not the case.
To those who have written comments that were asking for help, advice or information, I want you to know I did not ignore your comments or requests.
I have been troubled by the fact that when I responded, or thought I responded, I never heard from you again, even if I asked for a response from you. The reason is that you never received the feedback that I thought I had sent. I am so sorry I did not understand how this blog works. I have not ignored anyone who was asking me for any type of assistance, please understand that.
This blog was designed to be a public format, meaning your comments and my responses were to be published on my blog, I am just now understanding that format. Given the sometimes sensitive nature of my blog, I thought my responses to your personal problems were best addressed through a personal and private response, thus I used the reply button on my email, all the while not knowing you would never receive them.
In the future, if you want to comment, send a question, or request information, that is sensitive or private in nature, I want you to email me directly through my personal email. My personal email address is: glennartinc@yahoo.com
If you have commented to me on my blog and thought I had ignored your problem or request for information I can assure you I did not ignore you. If you are one of those persons, I still have the original responses I made, or thought I made, in my personal sent file on my computer. I would be pleased to forward them to your personal email if you request me to do so.
I understand that if you commented to me and did not receive a response, you may have stopped reading my blog, which is most troubling to me because it defeats the main objective of this blog. Perhaps you quit reading for a while and now you are back, I certainly hope that is the case.
To reiterate again, if you leave a comment of a personal or sensitive nature, expecting a response, please in the future, write to me directly through my personal email.
I will continue in the future to post my personal email address at the end of each blog to assure that such a mix up does not happen again.
My personal email address is: glennartinc@yahoo.com
Please keep your comments, criticisms, or requests for information, or whatever they my be, coming--after all that is the purpose of this blog. Thank You.
One of the main objectives that became more and more apparent to me was that this blog is here to help people, particularly persons who are facing hardships in their lives.
I have received many comments throughout the past year in the comment box located at the end of each blog entry. Of course I appreciate all of the compliments I have received and all of the feedback about those topics that I have chosen to write. I thank each and every reader for taking the time not only to read my blog but especially for taking even more time to comment on what I have written.
That being said, what I would like to address are those comments I have received from people who were going through their own personal trials, be it a physical affliction, a psychological problem dealing with a particular disability or injury, and those asking for advice concerning various organizations that are designed to assist people with disabilities.
As we know I am not the most computer savvy person on the planet and I have been learning how this whole "blog thing" works as I have gone along. There have been readers who have written to me asking for help in various ways.
When you leave a comment in the comment box at the end of my blog, it sends an email to my personal email inbox, alerting me that a comment has been made. In the past, when I read an email sent to me through my blog I was under the mistaken impression that when I responded to the email by hitting the reply button on my personal email account, that those who wrote to me would receive my reply. This is not the case.
To those who have written comments that were asking for help, advice or information, I want you to know I did not ignore your comments or requests.
I have been troubled by the fact that when I responded, or thought I responded, I never heard from you again, even if I asked for a response from you. The reason is that you never received the feedback that I thought I had sent. I am so sorry I did not understand how this blog works. I have not ignored anyone who was asking me for any type of assistance, please understand that.
This blog was designed to be a public format, meaning your comments and my responses were to be published on my blog, I am just now understanding that format. Given the sometimes sensitive nature of my blog, I thought my responses to your personal problems were best addressed through a personal and private response, thus I used the reply button on my email, all the while not knowing you would never receive them.
In the future, if you want to comment, send a question, or request information, that is sensitive or private in nature, I want you to email me directly through my personal email. My personal email address is: glennartinc@yahoo.com
If you have commented to me on my blog and thought I had ignored your problem or request for information I can assure you I did not ignore you. If you are one of those persons, I still have the original responses I made, or thought I made, in my personal sent file on my computer. I would be pleased to forward them to your personal email if you request me to do so.
I understand that if you commented to me and did not receive a response, you may have stopped reading my blog, which is most troubling to me because it defeats the main objective of this blog. Perhaps you quit reading for a while and now you are back, I certainly hope that is the case.
To reiterate again, if you leave a comment of a personal or sensitive nature, expecting a response, please in the future, write to me directly through my personal email.
I will continue in the future to post my personal email address at the end of each blog to assure that such a mix up does not happen again.
My personal email address is: glennartinc@yahoo.com
Please keep your comments, criticisms, or requests for information, or whatever they my be, coming--after all that is the purpose of this blog. Thank You.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Ending 2011
I am at my sister Rhonda's house for the Christmas Holidays. This is the first time I have celebrated Christmas at Rhonda's since the loss of my second leg. Last year as you recall I was actually in the hospital during the Christmas holidays having just lost my left leg. The previous year I still had my left leg but while I was home I started having problems which resulted in an emergency trip to a hospital in Indianapolis. The year before that I had lost my right leg and was unable to go home to Indianapolis and Rhonda and her family brought Christmas to my house as a surprise.
Needless to say I am thankful to have a medically problem free Christmas celebration this year. I guess the day after Christmas my thoughts are turning toward this upcoming new year, what goals I will set and what I hope to accomplish in 2012.
I have recently talked about the short leg program I am currently undertaking, thus far I have made some strides (figuratively). At physical therapy I have been learning how to fall properly
and get back up from a fall. I know it may sound strange to speak about falling properly, but there are ways in which to fall that can help prevent serious injury to your face and head. It is surprising to me that learning to get back up onto these shortened legs from the ground is fairly easy, maybe it is because I am not that far from the ground to begin with.
I feel that after these holidays have passed it is time to really focus on learning to walk proficiently and undertake household chores and the like while wearing the "baby legs." As I have already mentioned, this graduated short leg protocol dictates that before the legs can be lengthened, the prosthetist and therapist will determine that I have reached the highest level of skill possible on the shortest leg length and I will then ready to move up to a longer length of legs.
Based on what I have experienced thus far, I don't think this will be as quick as I has originally hoped. This entire leg loss experience has been wrought with the usual complications of getting the legs to fit properly and comfortably, the short leg procedure has demonstrated already it's share of problems.
Visualization and a willingness to succeed are qualities I will invoke to assist me in achieving my goal. I know that it really doesn't matter how long it takes to achieve a goal, what really matters is reaching the summit and the self satisfaction I derive from my accomplishments. However, I hope to move on to a longer length within the next four to six months if not sooner, time will tell.
Life is always full of ups and downs, twists and turns, fear of the unknown and if we are going to grow as human beings we have to learn to go with life's flow. Part of the flow is learning to take the situations that are beyond our control and use them as life lessons. Imparting the knowledge we have gained through our life lessons to others and being receptive to knowledge given by others to us through their experiences.
As a new year is upon us, I look forward to a year of hope, happiness, prosperity, accomplishment and joy, all of these wishes I impart to you.
By the way I got a book from my younger sister, Delpha, called, "Writing the Memoir, From Truth to Art" by Judith Barrington, thus has begun the research into how I will write a book. A great way to start a new year....
Needless to say I am thankful to have a medically problem free Christmas celebration this year. I guess the day after Christmas my thoughts are turning toward this upcoming new year, what goals I will set and what I hope to accomplish in 2012.
I have recently talked about the short leg program I am currently undertaking, thus far I have made some strides (figuratively). At physical therapy I have been learning how to fall properly
and get back up from a fall. I know it may sound strange to speak about falling properly, but there are ways in which to fall that can help prevent serious injury to your face and head. It is surprising to me that learning to get back up onto these shortened legs from the ground is fairly easy, maybe it is because I am not that far from the ground to begin with.
I feel that after these holidays have passed it is time to really focus on learning to walk proficiently and undertake household chores and the like while wearing the "baby legs." As I have already mentioned, this graduated short leg protocol dictates that before the legs can be lengthened, the prosthetist and therapist will determine that I have reached the highest level of skill possible on the shortest leg length and I will then ready to move up to a longer length of legs.
Based on what I have experienced thus far, I don't think this will be as quick as I has originally hoped. This entire leg loss experience has been wrought with the usual complications of getting the legs to fit properly and comfortably, the short leg procedure has demonstrated already it's share of problems.
Visualization and a willingness to succeed are qualities I will invoke to assist me in achieving my goal. I know that it really doesn't matter how long it takes to achieve a goal, what really matters is reaching the summit and the self satisfaction I derive from my accomplishments. However, I hope to move on to a longer length within the next four to six months if not sooner, time will tell.
Life is always full of ups and downs, twists and turns, fear of the unknown and if we are going to grow as human beings we have to learn to go with life's flow. Part of the flow is learning to take the situations that are beyond our control and use them as life lessons. Imparting the knowledge we have gained through our life lessons to others and being receptive to knowledge given by others to us through their experiences.
As a new year is upon us, I look forward to a year of hope, happiness, prosperity, accomplishment and joy, all of these wishes I impart to you.
By the way I got a book from my younger sister, Delpha, called, "Writing the Memoir, From Truth to Art" by Judith Barrington, thus has begun the research into how I will write a book. A great way to start a new year....
Saturday, December 17, 2011
One Year Later
On Wednesday December 8, 2010 I had just returned from a ten day Caribbean cruise with my friend, Shawn, his sister Lisa and her husband Dan. I worked out everyday at the gym on the ship, I was tan, fit and happy.
I was excited to get back to my regular routine of working out at Cheetah Gym, and seeing my friends, while at the same time anticipating the holidays with my sister, Rhonda, her family and all the joy that it brings.
Before I embarked on the cruise I had gone to Rush University Medical Center to have a blood flow test, conducted as a precautionary measure to help alleviate any worry that I would have any vascular issues while at sea or portside in a foreign country.
Fortunately the test found the blood flow through the remaining left leg and foot satisfactory, that finding gave me the green light I needed to go forward with the cruise.
Bear in mind I had undergone quite a lot of problems with my left leg earlier in the year 2010 and in the latter part of 2009. During the course of 2009-2010 I had three vein by-passes, one bout with compartment syndrome, and tests too numerous to mention.
Of course since the loss of my right leg in July 2008, I had entertained thoughts about the possibility of losing my remaining left leg (who wouldn't?). These thoughts gave me pause. I never dwelled on the thought of losing my left leg because such thoughts I felt were unhealthy and counterproductive. However, I wouldn't be human if had not considered the possibility of losing my one remaining leg.
I remember disclosing the thought to my friend, Ruth, that I didn't know if I could carry on, if I lost my left leg. I felt that life would be too difficult and I would have no quality of life left.
On Saturday December 18, 2010 I went to Cheetah Gym at 7:00 am as I did every Saturday that I was physically able. I did my usual ninety minute workout, hugged my friend Rick good bye, as I always did, then took the elevator downstairs. I bumped into another friend of mine, Carl, we talked for a few minutes and I was on my merry way.
I was by the locker room when I finished the conversation with Carl, I walked about sixty feet to an area with couches, computers and the entrance doors. By the time I had walked that sixty feet something dramatic and forever life altering had occurred.
The blood clots I had experienced in the past and have spoken of often, I describe as a water faucet being turned on or being turned off. At first the water (my blood) is flowing, like the turned on faucet and then the faucet is turned off (an occlusion or clot) and the flow stops.
One of the most insidious things about blood clots is their unpredictability, one moment you are fine, the next you are in a dire situation.
I suppose it is human nature to teeter on the brink of denial, especially if you have medical issues.
I knew when I sat on the couch near the entrance to Cheetah Gym, I was experiencing a blood clot, after all I had many similar physical symptoms on numerous previous occasions. In that sixty foot walk from the locker room area to the front of the gym, a blood clot had solidified, significantly, if not completely, compromising the blood flow to the lower part of my left leg and foot.
It took about thirty minutes for sufficient blood flow to be established before I was able to walk to my car and drive home. I knew in my heart of hearts I was in deep trouble. I immediately dove into the pool of denial.
I prayed to God to not let it be true. I am no stranger to God or to prayer, I do not use prayer only in times of trouble. I prayed and pray regularily not only for help but also to give thanks. My prayers of praise and gratitude to God for the blessings bestowed upon me were and are a part of my everyday life.
The rest of that Saturday I tried to believe that I was mistaken about this blood clot. I knew I wasn't mistaken but you want it to be imaginary, a self deducing miscalculation. You may deny something all you want and wish it to be untrue, but the physical truth is there to be felt and seen whether you want it to be or not.
I was afraid to remove my shoe and sock, out of the fear of what I would find. Sure enough when I did look at my naked foot, it was as cold as ice and as white as snow. The sight of that frightful paleness and the feel of that coldness hits you in the pit of your stomach.
Tears began to stream down my face. I realized that something I had hoped would never happen, had in fact, happened.
I spent the rest of that long day and sleepless night lying in bed with my left leg draped over the side with a heating pad trying to warm my cold semi-lifeless foot and leg.
Of course this feeling of denial is superseded by the pain of muscles starved for their life sustaining blood. It is an achiness difficult to describe in words and about as uncomfortable as is possible. The relentless coldness, numbness, lack of color and utter helplessness I felt, led me to call my assistant to drive me to the hospital emergency room, early Sunday morning December 19.
The rest is bit of a blur. I know they were obiviously unable to save my leg. A complete collapse of all the bypasses had occurred.
I had contacted one of my sisters, Rhonda, either before I left for the hospital or after I arrived to inform her of the occurance. I waited because I did not want to alarm her unecessarily.
I am not sure of the exact day or date of the amputation of my left leg, somewhere a day or two before Christmas 2010.
You may be thinking why is he recalling all of this? Well, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my left leg. Monumental events that occur in our lives leave indelible scars that shape our present circumstances and our present day outlook.
This blog, http://www.glennlifewithoutlegs.blogspot.com/, came about as a result of losing my left leg in December 2010. I always strive to be honest about what has happened to me. I thought the recollection of what led me to where I am today, would help you understand me, what I have overcome, and where my life is.
Please don't think I write these things to evoke sympathy or as a way of fishing for compliments about my ability to overcome adversity.
My hope is that these words will help someone, anyone, realize we as human beings and with God's help, have the ability and strength to carry on.
If my words reach someone who is feeling the same helplessness I felt or grappling with hopelessness, I want my words to be a beacon of hope for them or for you.
As The Bible says, and I am paraphrasing, "a lamp is not lit to be hidden under a basket, but to be placed on a lampstand to bring light to the entire room." My interpretation is that if my experiences can be of service and or comfort to another I am going to share them and perhaps make someone see things from a different perspective.
I feel privileged to be in a position to tell my story and share my words with others and there by be a small glimmer of light and hope to someone else's future.
I think the drastic manifestation of my complete leg loss was meant to bring me here to share my story and to help my fellow man live better, more hopeful and thankful lives.
I hope this path I walk, this blog I write and this life I live, brings love, hope and compassion to you and to our world.
I was excited to get back to my regular routine of working out at Cheetah Gym, and seeing my friends, while at the same time anticipating the holidays with my sister, Rhonda, her family and all the joy that it brings.
Before I embarked on the cruise I had gone to Rush University Medical Center to have a blood flow test, conducted as a precautionary measure to help alleviate any worry that I would have any vascular issues while at sea or portside in a foreign country.
Fortunately the test found the blood flow through the remaining left leg and foot satisfactory, that finding gave me the green light I needed to go forward with the cruise.
Bear in mind I had undergone quite a lot of problems with my left leg earlier in the year 2010 and in the latter part of 2009. During the course of 2009-2010 I had three vein by-passes, one bout with compartment syndrome, and tests too numerous to mention.
Of course since the loss of my right leg in July 2008, I had entertained thoughts about the possibility of losing my remaining left leg (who wouldn't?). These thoughts gave me pause. I never dwelled on the thought of losing my left leg because such thoughts I felt were unhealthy and counterproductive. However, I wouldn't be human if had not considered the possibility of losing my one remaining leg.
I remember disclosing the thought to my friend, Ruth, that I didn't know if I could carry on, if I lost my left leg. I felt that life would be too difficult and I would have no quality of life left.
On Saturday December 18, 2010 I went to Cheetah Gym at 7:00 am as I did every Saturday that I was physically able. I did my usual ninety minute workout, hugged my friend Rick good bye, as I always did, then took the elevator downstairs. I bumped into another friend of mine, Carl, we talked for a few minutes and I was on my merry way.
I was by the locker room when I finished the conversation with Carl, I walked about sixty feet to an area with couches, computers and the entrance doors. By the time I had walked that sixty feet something dramatic and forever life altering had occurred.
The blood clots I had experienced in the past and have spoken of often, I describe as a water faucet being turned on or being turned off. At first the water (my blood) is flowing, like the turned on faucet and then the faucet is turned off (an occlusion or clot) and the flow stops.
One of the most insidious things about blood clots is their unpredictability, one moment you are fine, the next you are in a dire situation.
I suppose it is human nature to teeter on the brink of denial, especially if you have medical issues.
I knew when I sat on the couch near the entrance to Cheetah Gym, I was experiencing a blood clot, after all I had many similar physical symptoms on numerous previous occasions. In that sixty foot walk from the locker room area to the front of the gym, a blood clot had solidified, significantly, if not completely, compromising the blood flow to the lower part of my left leg and foot.
It took about thirty minutes for sufficient blood flow to be established before I was able to walk to my car and drive home. I knew in my heart of hearts I was in deep trouble. I immediately dove into the pool of denial.
I prayed to God to not let it be true. I am no stranger to God or to prayer, I do not use prayer only in times of trouble. I prayed and pray regularily not only for help but also to give thanks. My prayers of praise and gratitude to God for the blessings bestowed upon me were and are a part of my everyday life.
The rest of that Saturday I tried to believe that I was mistaken about this blood clot. I knew I wasn't mistaken but you want it to be imaginary, a self deducing miscalculation. You may deny something all you want and wish it to be untrue, but the physical truth is there to be felt and seen whether you want it to be or not.
I was afraid to remove my shoe and sock, out of the fear of what I would find. Sure enough when I did look at my naked foot, it was as cold as ice and as white as snow. The sight of that frightful paleness and the feel of that coldness hits you in the pit of your stomach.
Tears began to stream down my face. I realized that something I had hoped would never happen, had in fact, happened.
I spent the rest of that long day and sleepless night lying in bed with my left leg draped over the side with a heating pad trying to warm my cold semi-lifeless foot and leg.
Of course this feeling of denial is superseded by the pain of muscles starved for their life sustaining blood. It is an achiness difficult to describe in words and about as uncomfortable as is possible. The relentless coldness, numbness, lack of color and utter helplessness I felt, led me to call my assistant to drive me to the hospital emergency room, early Sunday morning December 19.
The rest is bit of a blur. I know they were obiviously unable to save my leg. A complete collapse of all the bypasses had occurred.
I had contacted one of my sisters, Rhonda, either before I left for the hospital or after I arrived to inform her of the occurance. I waited because I did not want to alarm her unecessarily.
I am not sure of the exact day or date of the amputation of my left leg, somewhere a day or two before Christmas 2010.
You may be thinking why is he recalling all of this? Well, tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the beginning of the end of my left leg. Monumental events that occur in our lives leave indelible scars that shape our present circumstances and our present day outlook.
This blog, http://www.glennlifewithoutlegs.blogspot.com/, came about as a result of losing my left leg in December 2010. I always strive to be honest about what has happened to me. I thought the recollection of what led me to where I am today, would help you understand me, what I have overcome, and where my life is.
Please don't think I write these things to evoke sympathy or as a way of fishing for compliments about my ability to overcome adversity.
My hope is that these words will help someone, anyone, realize we as human beings and with God's help, have the ability and strength to carry on.
If my words reach someone who is feeling the same helplessness I felt or grappling with hopelessness, I want my words to be a beacon of hope for them or for you.
As The Bible says, and I am paraphrasing, "a lamp is not lit to be hidden under a basket, but to be placed on a lampstand to bring light to the entire room." My interpretation is that if my experiences can be of service and or comfort to another I am going to share them and perhaps make someone see things from a different perspective.
I feel privileged to be in a position to tell my story and share my words with others and there by be a small glimmer of light and hope to someone else's future.
I think the drastic manifestation of my complete leg loss was meant to bring me here to share my story and to help my fellow man live better, more hopeful and thankful lives.
I hope this path I walk, this blog I write and this life I live, brings love, hope and compassion to you and to our world.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Finding a Creative Outlet
Art has kept me sane. I have found that throughout all of my medical ordeals it has been my passion for creating art that has helped keep me on track.
When I paint or draw or even contemplate my next art creation those processes help me to release negativity, frustration and boredom. When you are in a situation similar to mine, keeping your hands and mind busy with constructive endeavors help to eliminate stress.
While focussing on creating a painting for example, my mind is preoccupied with what I will do, how I will do it, and then the actual creation of my art. If I did not create creations my mind might want to wander into dangerous territories like self pity, worry, anger, frustration and the like.
I have always been interested in artisitic types of things, drawing, painting, or anything that involved creativity. I am so thankful I have that type of mind, a mind that looks for and seeks to create beauty.
If you are disabled or become disabled it is particularily important that you seek out for yourself a passion of some sort. That passion could be just about anything, reading, cooking, music, putting together model airplanes, sewing, it doesn't matter. What really matters is that you find something that interests you in your life and pursue it.
For me, art is almost a spiritual experience. I get lost in my artwork, creating it, improving it and analyzing it. It is hard, if not imossible, to worry about the problems in your life while you are focussed on your passion, be it art or something else. It is this concentration of focus in areas that bring you joy, that become a healthy escape from sometimes unpleasant life circumstances.
I remember my beloved best friend, Kevin, and how he always complained to me he didn't have any hobbies. I never understood that about him. Unfortunately, he was unable to develop a mindset that enabled him to see that he had great people skills and an ability to make people laugh. He could have become a comedian if he had worked at it. He was also a great cook, but he never pushed himself in that area. His lack of focus in a particular area of his life caused him much frusrtation and self critizing, leaving him with unfounded feelings of worthliness and failure.
As you may know, before the loss of my legs I used to be an interior decorative painter. I created faux finishes, murals, gold leafing, and a myriad of wall and ceiling treatments. Naturally after the leg loss, I am physically unable to continue doing such demanding types of work. Fortunately while working as a decorative painter, and even before then, I drew and painted on paper and canvas. After I was unable to work at such a physical level, I still had my canvas painting to fall back on.
Without my art I would not be in such a good psychological state, with respect to my outlook, in essence, my art has greatly enhanced, if not saved my life.
Lately I started a small business creating 12" X 12" paintings on canvas that feature children and baby's names. It brings me such joy to create these "mini murals" on canvas. It is reminscient of when I created full room size murals for children's rooms and nursuries, but on a much smaller and more managable scale.
Creativity in all of it's forms, I believe is a gift from God and through God. Your creative outlet whether it is visual art, music, writing or whatever it may be, is an outlet by which we as human beings can funnel our energy to an area that not only benefits us as an individual but to society as a whole.
It was by suggestion of my nephew, Justin, I started writing this blog. What has happened is I have discovered another creative release for myself, writing. I have thoroughly enjoyed putting my thoughts together and voicing them through the writing of this blog. It has not only improved my writing (some readers have told me) but has been a cathartic valve releasing what could have become pent up frustration, while at the same time giving me the opportunity to analyze myself and my thought processes, and finally, perhaps saying something meaningful and benefical to others at the same time.
I had a bumper sticker one time that said, "Everyone is an Artist." I believe that is a true statement. Everyone has some type of creativity, the secret is to learn to tap into it and let it bring you joy, the elusive joy everyone is always seeking.
The writing of this blog segment has been part of my creative release valve for today and I thank you for participating in that joy with me.
By the way if you want to see some of those mini paintings I mentioned earlier, you may want to check out my website: http://www.thebabysnamepaintings.com/ I hope you like what you see. Bye for now.
When I paint or draw or even contemplate my next art creation those processes help me to release negativity, frustration and boredom. When you are in a situation similar to mine, keeping your hands and mind busy with constructive endeavors help to eliminate stress.
While focussing on creating a painting for example, my mind is preoccupied with what I will do, how I will do it, and then the actual creation of my art. If I did not create creations my mind might want to wander into dangerous territories like self pity, worry, anger, frustration and the like.
I have always been interested in artisitic types of things, drawing, painting, or anything that involved creativity. I am so thankful I have that type of mind, a mind that looks for and seeks to create beauty.
If you are disabled or become disabled it is particularily important that you seek out for yourself a passion of some sort. That passion could be just about anything, reading, cooking, music, putting together model airplanes, sewing, it doesn't matter. What really matters is that you find something that interests you in your life and pursue it.
For me, art is almost a spiritual experience. I get lost in my artwork, creating it, improving it and analyzing it. It is hard, if not imossible, to worry about the problems in your life while you are focussed on your passion, be it art or something else. It is this concentration of focus in areas that bring you joy, that become a healthy escape from sometimes unpleasant life circumstances.
I remember my beloved best friend, Kevin, and how he always complained to me he didn't have any hobbies. I never understood that about him. Unfortunately, he was unable to develop a mindset that enabled him to see that he had great people skills and an ability to make people laugh. He could have become a comedian if he had worked at it. He was also a great cook, but he never pushed himself in that area. His lack of focus in a particular area of his life caused him much frusrtation and self critizing, leaving him with unfounded feelings of worthliness and failure.
As you may know, before the loss of my legs I used to be an interior decorative painter. I created faux finishes, murals, gold leafing, and a myriad of wall and ceiling treatments. Naturally after the leg loss, I am physically unable to continue doing such demanding types of work. Fortunately while working as a decorative painter, and even before then, I drew and painted on paper and canvas. After I was unable to work at such a physical level, I still had my canvas painting to fall back on.
Without my art I would not be in such a good psychological state, with respect to my outlook, in essence, my art has greatly enhanced, if not saved my life.
Lately I started a small business creating 12" X 12" paintings on canvas that feature children and baby's names. It brings me such joy to create these "mini murals" on canvas. It is reminscient of when I created full room size murals for children's rooms and nursuries, but on a much smaller and more managable scale.
Creativity in all of it's forms, I believe is a gift from God and through God. Your creative outlet whether it is visual art, music, writing or whatever it may be, is an outlet by which we as human beings can funnel our energy to an area that not only benefits us as an individual but to society as a whole.
It was by suggestion of my nephew, Justin, I started writing this blog. What has happened is I have discovered another creative release for myself, writing. I have thoroughly enjoyed putting my thoughts together and voicing them through the writing of this blog. It has not only improved my writing (some readers have told me) but has been a cathartic valve releasing what could have become pent up frustration, while at the same time giving me the opportunity to analyze myself and my thought processes, and finally, perhaps saying something meaningful and benefical to others at the same time.
I had a bumper sticker one time that said, "Everyone is an Artist." I believe that is a true statement. Everyone has some type of creativity, the secret is to learn to tap into it and let it bring you joy, the elusive joy everyone is always seeking.
The writing of this blog segment has been part of my creative release valve for today and I thank you for participating in that joy with me.
By the way if you want to see some of those mini paintings I mentioned earlier, you may want to check out my website: http://www.thebabysnamepaintings.com/ I hope you like what you see. Bye for now.
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